I was invited to a birthday party of an old colleague, her #80 The group was going to chip in to help send her to a far away place.
For some reason, I got stuck. It was bothering me that we had to chip in. I was feeling like I had to do this, in order to go to celebrate. I decided not to go and left a message on the organizers home phone. Then I wondered am I missing something, this seems like an old pattern, arrogant, self righteous, I don't need any one, I am good alone.
I thought, I may be missing something here, maybe I am projecting.
I asked a helpful person. She said, "Imagine how your body would feel if you went to the party" I did this - I sort of disassociated and healed everyone.
"Imagine if you didn't go." I am feeling ok, comfortable, ordinary, sort of blah
"Imagine if you go and do not give money." I walk in and feel love for Sarah and joy, I feel so glad to be celebrating her life, just being. Some how I feel magnified being with others, instead of being at home alone.
This is sure interesting. I need to call the organizer back. I say, I will come, I can bring cupcakes. She says, there is going to be plenty of food, don't worry about it. I am so glad you are coming, Sarah will be glad to see you.
I say, " I felt like I had to do the money thing, that didn't seem to work for me.
"Don't worry about that, Sarah didn't want presents, we are ...
I don't know how much was mine, but I could tell, I have a choice - to welcome love or keep a wall up. I am good at this was my own wall, my inner hearing of what it was, not what was really there, or maybe there were more levels that I heard. Ouch. Some where a story of needing to give something besides being present. (It is not that I am opposed to giving, I give money to situations all the time) I thought I did not have an issue with contributing, that I needed to do it, yet I felt resentful. For me to see that my body felt better to be there without that obligation, no matter how true it was, I honored my body. How often do we mis-interprete, twist communication or not realize some agreements don't work for us adn go along anyway, feeling like shit later and wonder why. We don't have to be sheep, all lumped together. There are options. It is safe to know how I feel, and respect that. I am learning to discern and not be in black and white. And have courage to own my truth. I am glad I faced this bump.
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This blog is one way I share my self expression, My system of well-being is based on what is showing up in the body, right now. I am an appreciator, having infinite conversations with flowers, souls, trees...